I have this incessant need to be right. OK, so it is not so much a need as a very strong desire. And the long and short of it is that I loath being wrong. Especially when I am being corrected. It ruins my being right streak. But lately, I had been feeling convicted about being selfish. And needy. Which I hate. Because being convicted means that God is pointing out something that is wrong in my life, which means I was not right, thereby ruining my being right streak. I was perfectly content with being selfish. However, because God is the only one who can really be right all the time, I figured I should probably listen to him. Which opened up this whole world of crazy wonderful things, and some growing pains as well.
So, first of all, my perfect world was shattered when two of my casual friends moved away, revealing how big the holes they left behind really were. I struggled with the moves themselves, as I tend to like being the one who leaves, not the one being left behind. That is, in part, a survival mechanism I have developed over the years to protect myself from the pain of being abandoned. (Look at me being all psychoanalytical about stuff. Yay! School works!) This is also, in part, because of Seth's job in the Coast Guard requires us to leave every 3 or so years to go to a new base and start life all over. So, I generally cling to my protective tendencies, again, in an effort to prevent the pain of having to leave friends behind. Yea, I know, I have issues with this... And, apparently, God knows this, so He decided to start working hard on me... How did he get my attention? Well, like I mentioned before, He started with a conviction.
In response to that conviction of feeling like I had been way to selfish and needy, I decided to answer God with a commitment to stop praying selfishly. First of all, I know God will take care of me. He always has, and always will. If you are curious about that, then feel free to read some of my previous posts. I cover that. So, really, what use is it to pray for things I want, when He has always provided me with not only the things I need, but always the desires of my heart. Even the very fact that I am back on Cape Cod is a true God thing. I figured it was about time to start reading my Bible a lot more, and mostly in search of questions my heart kept on asking. And I figured it was time to talk to God and take time to just spend in His amazing presence telling him how wonderful, glorious, and creative he was. I needed to start telling him "Thank you" instead of "I want." So, I went forward with this commitment. At first I felt refreshed and confident. It was a beautiful feeling. My world was still perfect and happy. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, from God's point of view. Nothing. Well, the trouble is, Satan hates when things are going perfectly for God. And if anyone is selfish and needy, its Satan. *shudder* I have been behaving in a manner like Satan... Now, that puts things in perspective, doesn't it? Anyway, here I was, being a good person and worshipping God and not asking for a single thing for myself. And here was Satan, whispering terrible thoughts in my ear, playing off of my worst fears of being alone and abandoned. Off and On, for a long time, I believed those fears. I repeated truth in an effort to battle those fears. I began to believe I was crazy. And needy. And that my closest friends didn't love me for me, and that I was just a nuisance. I began to fall for these terrible ugly lies. All my insecurities that had sprouted up over the course of my life had grown into full fledged lies, deeply rooted in hurt and bitterness, and they thrived.
It all came to a head earlier this week. I confronted one of my bestest, most favoritest of people, and told her how I was feeling. I spilled it all. I cried, she apologized for stuff she needed to. So did I. She comforted me and reassured me, and we faced those ugly lies head on. All the anger, all the hurt, and all those ugly little insecurities that replayed flashbacks from the abandonments in my childhood, all melted into this big stew pot of crap. And it needed to be incinerated. So, if I had been doing all the right things, then how do I deal with this cauldron of evil that somehow accumulated in my life? Simple. Continue to do those right things. Continue my commitment to praying unselfishly. Continue to be grateful for the wonderful life I have. Continue to feel affirmed that I am a wonderful person because I am simply me. Continue to know the truth that my friends are my friends because they love me for me. Know that I am NEVER alone- even when I might feel like it- God is always there. All those things, those ugly nasty little lies, were- and will continue to be- slaughtered by the truth. Not my truth, God's truth. Because, one of the things I will ever be learning, that I am not always right. And neither is the devil. The one constant, the one truth, is God, and his Love for us. Yes, I am dealing with growing pains right now. And sometimes I am not happy with where life leads and that I don't always get my way. And sometimes I am not happy with God's answers for things, even though his answer is always the right answer. Even if his answer is, "Crystal, you don't always get your way." or "Crystal, you can't always be right. If you were, you'd be me. And you are certainly not me." (Thank goodness, I'm not or there'd be a heck of a lot of lightning strikes in random places during perfectly clear beautiful weather....) or "Be still. And just know Me." (I hate sitting still and being quiet.) and even "Hilary is following my will for her. I need her where she is. She will always be your sister, even if she doesn't move in." Dang it. Growing pains are sucky, wonderful things. My favorite thing God has ever said to me, I am constantly reminding myself of it... "Crystal, I love you." Look. I'm growing. :)
